I’m a Dad

The Hardest Thing

I was leaving for work the other day and it suddenly occurred to me that the most difficult thing so far about being a dad is kissing my wife and son goodbye and actually walking out the door. At the time my thought was “something could happen and I may never see them again.” But in thinking about it and trying to figure out how to get my thoughts into words, I’ve come to recognize other reasons for not wanting to walk out that door. The primary reason, other than some catastrophe that would keep me from them, is that I don’t want to miss anything.

I don’t know if I just have an overactive imagination or if all dads think this way, but every time I have to leave Jen and Liam alone all kinds of crazy thoughts go running through my head like they own the place. “I could get hit by a bus and they’d be left alone.” “Some maniac could break into the house and take them from me.” Not too long after Liam was born Jen’s dad and I, mostly him, installed a security screen door and every time I leave I make sure that the deadbolt on both the door and the screen are locked. I think the amount of love you feel for someone is directly proportional to how much you worry about them. I thank God every day, several times a day, for the great gift that Jen and Liam are to me, and at the same time I beg him to not let anything happen to them, to keep them safe.

I think about those poor people in DC and Virginia who were sniper victims, not so much the people killed but their families left behind. We are all so good at learning about things like families torn apart by violence and then putting that knowledge in the back of our minds “that was far from here and will never happen to me.” There is no guarantee that it won’t and I think events back East have proven that it certainly can happen. There are maniacs everywhere, and those specific maniacs were in California for a time. Who knows what small occurrence prompted them to become monsters there rather than here. So, like I said, I pray many times a day that God will keep my family safe and all I can do is trust in Him.

As for the other reason for hating to leave them, not wanting to miss anything. I’m referring here specifically to not wanting to miss a single second of Baby Liam’s growing up. I hate the fact that dad’s are so absent from most of the milestones in their children’s lives. I want to be there when he first sits up, when he first walks and talks. I want to be the one who helps him through tough times, holds him tightly when he’s scared or hurt. I want to be the one who helps him with his homework. I want to be there for every little discovery, every thing he learns. I don’t want to hear about my son’s life over dinner or learn about his growing up through a phone call. I want to be there. He’s three months old now and he’s growing up so fast, every day he’s a little bit different than the day before. A couple of days ago Jen was excited because he reached for something and put something in his mouth, those are stages of development and she was so happy that he was going through them. I want to be there for that. I want to be an involved, active dad, not some stranger Liam sees for 2 or 3 hours every evening before he goes to bed.

I guess I should stop now before I get to thinking about all the things I don’t want to be and do as a dad and start boring you with those. I’ll do that next time.